Narcissists in the workplace

I see you. Living with or working with a narcissist can be absolutely debilitating. For people who are not narcissistic, experiencing their abuse is confusing and emotional. It is hard to identify the signs and even harder to manage them.

I've experienced being raised by a narcissist and dealt with narcissists during my career. What makes me different now is the time and effort I have spent working on myself. Learning to identify a narcissist has empowered me to recognize the signs early and remove myself from them immediately. You can too.

After 25 years in sales, I have found it is a breeding ground for narcissistic people as the industry promotes good and destructive competition. In these environments, we hear only the strong survive. This is not untrue.

Those with narcissistic personalities find a comfortable and accommodating home in a sales environment. Many thrive in making their way to the top. We are quick to tolerate egos with sideways insults directed at others, eccentric behavior, condescending tones, bullying leadership, and other undesirable traits- as long as they produce $$$. These narcissists are masters at using their manipulative abilities to push down talent while convincing them they are complimenting them.

What is worse than working with a narcissist, you ask?

Working for one.

If you work with/for a narcissist, I'd highly recommend getting familiar with the term, gaslighting. If someone gaslights you, they attempt to make you question your reality, thoughts, and instincts. Once you understand narcissists and their tendencies, you will be more equipped to handle the gaslighting and spot it while it is happening. If you are experiencing gaslighting today, I am here to tell you that you are not wrong, confused, stupid, crazy, misunderstanding, and so on. Do not doubt your intuition- it's telling you that this person is trying to confuse you to either elevate themselves, gain information to benefit them, protect their perception of threat, or control you and their environment.

Julie Hall, the author of "The Narcissist in Your Life," writes about the three types of narcissists. Exhibitionist narcissists, Closet/Covert narcissists, and Malignant narcissists. I recommend reading her book.

In my opinion, understanding the main difference between these three is critical to your survival.

• Closet narcissists are passive-aggressive. They tend to control with silence and withholding. They manipulate through guilt and self-pitying ways. They may invent a crisis or exaggerate illnesses, all behaviors to gain attention. At work, they may create a sickness just to guilt you or take advantage of your kindness and get you to do their job. Don't be fooled by their acting. They are incredibly manipulative.

• Exhibitionist narcissists are grandiose, and the world must always revolve around them. They are attention-seeking and often make arrogant "me, me, me, or I, I, I" statements. You might hear them saying to their leadership or in a large room, "look how amazing Jenny did on this project! We all know she is so happy I stepped in here to help her. She is good at her job but wow- now look at her". This is not a compliment, people. The narcissist will brag about how people who work with or for them will only succeed because of what they have done for them. Others' success can only be a byproduct of the narcissist. They demand admiration and compliments. They are constantly over charismatic. Watch out though. They can become downright unkind if they feel threatened. They react with confrontation and intimidation.

• Malignant narcissists are evil. They are the worst narcissists. They can be a combination of both exhibitionists and closet narcissists. They will ridicule and humiliate you, making you feel like you are in constant competition or constantly failing. This type of narcissist is highly abusive in both working and personal relationships. They isolate you, intimidate, threaten, interrogate, and terrify you. They relish making you suffer as it secures their elevated sense of entitlement. They crave power. If you are dealing with someone like this- get out now. There are support systems, but you have to take the first step.

Learning how to manage a narcissist takes time and is the only way to survive and find success. If you choose to remain in your work environment, I encourage you to research setting boundaries with a narcissist and how to manage them. Being in a toxic environment is not good for your health both mentally and physically.

These narcissists

- are not your friend.

- will leverage the information you share.

- will compliment and put you down- all in one sentence.

- they will fight you fiercely, like a caged animal, if they perceive a threat.

- use you to elevate themselves.

- elevate you if you are submissive and only serve to compliment them.

- will intimidate and shut you down out of their own insecurity.

LISTEN to your intuition. If you wouldn't treat someone this way, you do not deserve to be treated this way.

Have a real and honest conversation with yourself. Are you staying in this situation because you have to? For me, I had to stay in positions for years as I was a single mom. There is a talent shortage in our world right now. Every company is hiring- you do not have to be subjected to this behavior. We may have reasons to continue exposing ourselves to these people, but we certainly don't have to tolerate them.

Be careful of confrontation though. Narcissists will recoil and spit venom in a variety of ways if you address it head-on.

To the leaders of the world, please stop promoting these personalities just because they produce revenue. Imagine your company's opportunity for success by removing toxicity. All those under and around the narcissist will thrive. A happy and fulfilled employee will produce both directly and indirectly.